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by robinasnyder



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-08-08 00:44:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7736467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robinasnyder/pseuds/robinasnyder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben slowly integrates himself back into his old life. The problem is that he is not who he was before. Poe still cares for him, still wants him. Ben wants him back, but he knows it's wrong. Too much time has past. He's hurt too many people. He's told too many lies. But he still really, really likes Poe.</p>
            </blockquote>





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**Author's Note:**

  * For [princeofredroses](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=princeofredroses).



> Written for [princeofredroses](http://princeofredroses.tumblr.com)

It started with a change of clothes. Well, started wasn’t really the correct word. He wasn’t really certain when it actually started. He wasn’t even certain what it was. Was it the end of his life as Kylo Ren? The beginning to his new life? The return to his old? Everything felt too fluid to define. But he knew when the change suddenly felt real: with a pair of pants.

 

Chewbacca took the Millennium Falcon after the death of Han Solo. He took it and Rey and R2-D2 and left. But Leia had claimed a few things before he left. Those things included a box of old clothes. When Ben returned to his mother he had only a First Order Uniform that he’d snatched to help his façade. They didn’t fit right and it was more useful to the Resistance if those clothes went to someone else, along with a datapad full of information Ben had snatched before he left.

 

Hux would have been proud of Ben’s planning if such treason wouldn’t have pissed him off so much.

 

Such thoughts made Ben’s stomach squirm. Most thoughts did. He couldn’t think of anything untouched by his mistakes. One of those things looked back at him in the mirror after he pulled on his father’s clothes.

 

It was a compromise. Kylo Ren always wore black. Ben had always favored darker colors. He couldn’t stand to wear tans or light browns like he was one of his Uncle’s Padawan’s again. His mother couldn’t stand to see him in dark clothes. Ben wasn’t a pilot, or any time of military officer or soldier. And Ben didn’t really know a lot of humans who fit his height or build. Finally Leia suggested Han’s old things.

 

Han hadn’t exactly be drawn to outrageous colors, but he’d never been afraid of then either. The blue pants with the red stripes up the side showed that well enough. They were a little too short on Ben, but with his boots completely laced up I didn’t matter. Ben found an off white shirt to wear with the pants. It too didn’t fit quite right. His father was never as tall or muscular. Neither was his mother of uncle. Ban never knew where his height came from, but it hardly mattered, really.

 

What did matter was the shock of seeing himself in the mirror. That wasn’t Kylo Ren staring back at him from the mirror. It wasn’t really the boy Ben had once been either. It was someone else. Ben’s black hair, luscious but also ridiculous hung in his face and Ben felt like it didn’t even belong. It was too dark. It was too unruly.

 

Hux would laugh himself sick if he knew that for once Ben didn’t want something wild to be a part of him. Ben just didn’t know how to fix it. He’d braid his hair back for training. But to do so now reminded him too much of being Kylo Ren. Or it felt like a declaration that he was a student learner again. He was neither.

 

“The view doesn’t change.” His mother’s voice cut through his introspection. Ben turned to look at her. He could see the way her mouth pulled, how sad her eyes were. Even without feeling her emotions he knew that seeing him was painful.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. He’d been saying that since she found him. He’d sent out a distress call on the channel he knew she liked to use to communicate with his father. She’d come personally to the little nowhere planet he’d crash landed on and brought him home. Ben still wondered if she thought, or maybe hoped it was her husband and not her son who’d sent the call.

 

“I was the one who suggested this,” she said quietly. “You don’t really look like him… I just can’t help remember the first time I saw him wearing these things.”

 

Ben looked away. “I’m sorry, for what I did. If it could have been me instead-” He wished he’d died then. He wished he’d never seen his father. He wished he’d been crushed in an explosion before he could get a chance to see Han that last time. Then things would have been different.

 

“Don’t, Ben,” his mother said. She walked the rest of the way over to him. She laid her hands on his elbows. He couldn’t look at her. “Han would be so proud of you for coming back like this. You know he’d say you took after him.”

 

Ben chuckled weakly. “He’d be insufferable,” he said.

 

“That he would,” his mother said. She sounded amused, almost happy for a moment, but Ben could feel that fade away.

 

“I don’t know who I am anymore,” Ben said.

 

“You don’t have to,” she said.

 

“Okay,” he said weakly. He still couldn’t look at her.

 

* * *

 

The first time he saw Poe Dameron after his return, Ben’s stomach flipped right over. He ducked behind a soldier carrying plans and walked bent over behind him until Ben couldn’t sense Poe’s proximity anymore. Ben blushed bright red when the soldier gave him a funny look. But it was better that way. Ben didn’t want Poe to see him.

 

The second time he wasn’t so lucky as to escape before he was noticed. But he did escape before Poe could speak to him. Before he was able to turn around and blend into a crowd he did get to see Poe’s face register him in recognition. Poe’s mouth had opened up, somewhat slack and his eyes shown in surprise. Ben had seen the way Poe’s gaze traveled down the scar on his face.

 

Ben’s heart pounded a powerful tattoo for hours after. He knew he’d escaped only by the skin of his teeth and he doubted that he would get to escape again.

 

That notion turned out to be correct.

 

The third time Ben didn’t even see Poe coming. Ben found a pair of solid arms wrapping around his middle. Before all his years of training could kick in and Ben could throw whoever grabbed him off, the force whispered to him that it was okay.

 

“You know,” Poe said. Ben could feel Poe’s voice coming from somewhere around his mid to upper back. “You were a lot shorter the last time I saw you.”

 

“And I seem to remember that you were much taller,” Ben said. While his heart began to pound, he still found himself smiling. He could slip right in like nothing changed. It would be easy. Poe’s heart was pounding too.

 

Ben slowly pulled away and turned around. Poe really wasn’t any shorter than Ben remembered. He’d looked incredibly handsome when Ben had seen Poe last. Even through the limited sightline of Kylo Ren’s helmet, Ben had still seen how Poe had changed. He’d gone from having soft, boyish good looks to taking on the look of a handsome rogue.

 

As Kylo Ren, he’d hated Poe. He’d hated that he had to be nearly 40 or older. He’d hated the reminder of the boy he’d used to be. He’d hated that Poe’s appearance still made his pulse quicken. He’d hated that the force still told him that it was good that Poe was there.

 

Kylo Ren had punished Poe Dameron dearly for reminding him of who he’d once been. And that was the problem, wasn’t it? No one here knew that Kylo Ren and Ben were the same person. Poe didn’t know. He was seeing the little boy who Ben had been. He had no concept of the true horror of a man that Ben had grown up to be.

 

“Did the First Order really have you?” Poe asked. Ben wasn’t certain what Poe had meant to ask, but he could tell by the way that Poe winced that this wasn’t what Poe meant to do. Ben was trying hard to block out whatever Poe was feeling or thinking.

 

“Yes,” Ben said. That was the story his mother told everyone, that her son had been taken by the First Order. And it was true. Ben had been with the First Order. But it had been by choice. It had been a conscious decision he’d made.

 

“I was taken too,” Poe said.

 

“I know,” Ben said.

 

“Not for nearly as long as you though,” Poe said. He was looking at Ben with sympathetic and sad eyes. There was just so much understanding in that gaze. Ben shifted uncomfortably and looked away. Too bad this wasn’t something Poe would really understand. Ben didn’t think he understood much himself.

 

“Something like that,” Ben said. Poe winced again.

 

“Sorry. That was insensitive.”

 

“It wasn’t,” Ben said quickly. “It’s okay.”

 

Poe smiled a little and Ben could feel the curl of pleasure that Poe was feeling. Poe thought the Ben he knew was still in there.

 

Ben didn’t think so. “I’m tired,” he declared. “I’m going to go lay down.”

 

“Oh, can I walk you to your bunk?” Poe asked. He was obviously disappointed.

 

“No. I never get lost,” Ben said.

 

Poe smiled a little more. “Yeah, I remember. You and your force senses. Hey, are you sticking around for a while or are you going to go off back to Luke? My friends Finn and Rey are there with him.”

 

“No,” Ben said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Poe looked relieved. “Yeah? Good. It’ll be good to actually have you around for a while.”

 

“Yeah,” Ben said as noncommittal as he could. “I’m going to go lay down.”

 

“Yeah, okay. Bye, Ben,” Poe said. He stepped away and allowed Ben to walk away. He didn’t follow Ben or anything. But Ben could feel Poe longing to do so. And yet he didn’t, because he understood something about shell shock.

 

Not that Ben had shell shock. He didn’t think so anyway. He’d done too many bad things. Shell shock was something good people got when bad things happened to them, or they witnessed too many bad things. Ben had been a fool who’d chosen his own path.

 

He reminded himself as he walked away that he didn’t deserve Poe’s attention or his sympathy. He shouldn’t let himself feel buoyed just by that short conversation. He shouldn’t let himself feel like maybe it would be okay. Nothing would ever be okay. Ben had done too many bad things.

 

* * *

 

Ben wasn’t surprised when Poe came and found him again. He would have been more surprised if Poe didn’t come at all. He wasn’t surprised that Poe found him in his room either. His mother had granted him a small room to himself. No one bothered him. They believed that he had been tortured by the First Order and that he needed the space. If they thought much of him at all. His greatest fear was that they might think of him as a hero because of the information he brought back.

 

The door opened for Poe. Ben had programed the door to do so. The same with his mother. And his father’s clearance code, although Ben knew that was just a child’s crying wish that what he had done could be undone.

 

Poe blinked in surprise at the door sliding open. But then he smiled like a sun and stepped inside.

 

“You were waiting for me, huh?” Poe asked.

 

“I know you,” Ben said. He sat up from the bed. “Well, I did anyway and one point.”

 

“Yeah, I knew you too,” Poe said. His smile looked sad.

 

“You can sit down,” Ben said. He didn’t have anything besides ad bed and a closet full of his father’s clothes. He’d left everything behind and hadn’t picked up anything else. He was far, far too used to giving away everything he owned. His only previous possessions were his grandfather’s helmet and his lightsaber. The helmet he’d lost in the explosion of Starkiller. The lightsaber he’d destroyed himself when he decided to return.

 

Poe settled himself of thee edge of the bed, not encroaching very much into Ben’s space. Ben was glad for it. If Poe had folded right into Ben’s space, like he did so often when they were kids, then Ben might have panicked and done something he would regret. But it also hurt Ben, since he was certain Poe kept his distance because he understood needing the space, after his experiences with Kylo Ren.

 

“How are you doing?” Ben asked.

 

“I’m okay. I’m pretty sure I should be asking about you,” Poe said.

 

Ben shrugged. “I’m surviving. That’s enough right now.”

 

“I get that,” Poe said. “I don’t think either of us imagined it would be like this when we were kids.”

 

Ben snorted. He never would have thought he would be the means of his own destruction and the destruction of all he held dear. But here he was. “You’re telling me.”

 

“Yeah, but I guess we are both doing things to help,” Poe said.

 

Ben didn’t answer. He just shrugged.

 

“How bad was it?” Poe said.

 

“It wasn’t good,” Ben said. “But I guess it wasn’t always bad.”

 

“Yeah?” Poe asked. He didn’t sound like he believed that.

 

“I mean, you know, you can get used to anything I guess. And not everyone was awful all the time,” Ben said.

 

“Really?” Poe asked. “Do you have friends there?”

 

Ben snorted. “I’m not certain I could call what I and Hux were friends?”

 

Poe made a face. “You knew that megalomanic?”

 

“Yeah, we crossed paths more than you’d think. He wasn’t the worst. He just reminded me of mom. A lot. Except not,” Ben said. He shrugged and then he hugged his knees to his chest. “He just had a goal and went after that. It was like mom.”

 

“That’s such a weird comparison,” Poe said. He shifted a little closer to Ben. Ben noticed, but he acted like he didn’t.

 

“Not really. I mean, if you’d met him and he could drop the ‘I’m constantly in control’ persona. Then he’s just… I don’t know… driven. He wants something. He wants a place for his people.”

 

“It almost sounds like you… I don’t know, not agree with him, but it’s like you like him,” Poe said.

 

“I got where he was coming from. In theory. I don’t agree with the methods or anything. There are only humans in the First Order. And they’re the people that thought they should rule from the Empire. But they also survived in the Outer Rim for all of their lives. I understand. They’re trying to find something good for themselves from what their parents promised him. Even evil people have people they love… for the most part.” Snoke certainly didn’t love anyone.

 

“Do you miss them?” Poe asked cautiously. Ben glanced at him and then shrugged.

 

“I miss Hux’s cat. It’s pretty stupid, but sometimes I’d hold her when I felt bad. It was like getting little Chewbacca hugs. Even stupider is that I’m certain she’s going to get blown up or something. I try not to think about it,” Ben said. “Because I know that all those people who kept me alive all those years would die too. But I’m worried about the damn cat.”

 

Ben buried his face in his knees. It just felt like too much. He didn’t talk to people anymore. He talked to his mother sometimes. Half of their interactions was him telling her knew things he’d thought to tell her about Snoke, the Knights of Ren and the First Order. The other half was them just talking about things. Things like what really happened with his Grandfather and if Ben should keep himself cut off from the Force to resist temptation, and what his mother did all those years she was away and Ben was waiting for her. It was rarely fun. But Ben was closer with her than he’d ever been in his life. It was healing. He could have blown up those planets himself and she would still love him. He couldn’t stop her from loving him.

 

“Yeah, people are funny like that,” Poe said. “And I suspect the cat was the only purely good memory you have of anyone on the ship.”

 

Ben snorted. “If I’d grabbed her and taken her with me Hux would have chased me down to the ends of the earth to get her back.”

 

“Even evil people love someone,” Poe murmured.

 

“He liked me… before I ran. We sort of figured each other out. And Captain Phasma. Not friends but I guess I’m still… fond of them. I want them to lose. But I don’t want them to die. I don’t want them to be executed and I don’t want them to rot in jail.”

 

“You’re just stuck then,” Poe said quietly. But he sounded sympathetic. “Did you ever meet Kylo Ren?”

 

“Kylo Ren can burn in Hell,” Ben said with a hard voice.

 

Poe nodded. “He hurt you too?”

 

Ben pressed his face harder into his knees and made an indistinct noise. Kylo Ren hurt him. He’d hurt himself. He’d destroyed himself is ways he would never be able to repair. If Poe knew who he really was, then Poe would never speak to him again, and Poe would be right to do so.

 

“I’m sorry, Ben,” Poe said quietly.

 

“Me too,” Ben said into his knees.

 

* * *

 

They met regularly after that. Sometimes Poe had to fly missions. Ben tried not to think about that. Every time Poe was leaving, Ben considered leaving a mark on Poe, one to tell the other Knights to leave him unharmed. But was certain they would if he did that. But they would also follow Poe back to him, or Snoke would. The Resistance would be exposed. Ben couldn’t do that.

 

But Ben knew how cruel he’d been to Poe. He knew that if Poe was caught that even worse would happen.

 

Mostly Ben didn’t let himself think about it. It was one more thing he didn’t think of. Like the fates of the cat, Hux and Phasma and everyone else who worked trying to make something better of themselves. Some days it all felt like they were just pieces on a chess board, even the Generals. Ben couldn’t think at all about what would happen to his mother if the Resistance lost, not even a passing thought. Because he did know what would happen and he couldn’t stand to let himself imagine it.

 

Poe came around a lot. Once, Ben stopped by Poe’s bunk to say goodbye when he got word that Poe was shipping out. Poe had smiled bright then. He really did have the best smile in the galaxy.

 

“Is it bad to feel wanted?” Ben asked his mother at their daily tea sessions. As if to make up for the years where she had brushed him aside for important work, his mother instituted an hour a day where they would be together. On more hectic days he would help his mother review files or something. This wasn’t a very hectic day.

 

“It shouldn’t be,” Leia said. She raised a brow and looked at him from across her desk. “Why?”

 

“Because… the person I want to want me is someone I shouldn’t,” Ben said.

 

“I’m almost scared to ask, but is it General Hux?” she asked flatly.

 

Ben burst into laughter. He didn’t know if she was serious or joking. Either way, it took a moment to calm himself. He was wiping tears from his eyes when he was able to talk again.

 

“Hell, we’d have killed each other if we’d tried that,” Ben said. He couldn’t help but smile. Hux was exclusively interested in men, and he knew Hux found his face attractive, which Ben had always found to be a turn on since he didn’t consider himself good looking. But neither he nor Hux ever crossed that line for the simple fact that they weren’t stupid.

 

“I am relieved,” his mother said honestly. “So who is it?”

 

“Poe Dameron,” Ben said. It slipped off his tongue so much easier than he imagine.

 

“Hmm,” his mother said. “I’m not surprised. You’ve been following him around for as long as I could remember. If anything, I’m surprised it took this long.”

 

“I didn’t seek him out,” Ben said. “I tried to avoid him… you know, after what I did.”

 

“Ben,” his mother said gently. “Poe missed you very much. You were his first love as much as he was yours. Of course he’d seek you out.”

 

“I just… he thinks that the story we’re telling everyone is real. He thinks I escaped the First Order.”

 

“You did,” she pointed out.

 

“But I wasn’t a prisoner. I was the jailer. If he finds out he’s going to hate me. And I don’t want him to find out,” Ben said. “That’s why I avoided him. I wanted to keep from having to tell him one day, or for him finding out. But he found me. He wants to spend time with me, but he doesn’t push, like I’m the one who went through trauma and not him.”

 

His mother sighed heavily and set down her cup. “You did go through a trauma.”

 

“Mostly self-inflicted. And I hurt a lot of people.”

 

“Which is also true,” she said. She reached across the desk and laid her hand on his. “But it’s also possible for people to forgive you.”

 

“Not most people,” Ben said. “You have a reason to want to forgive me.”

 

“And so does Poe,” she pointed out.

 

“I’m not supposed to blow my cover,” he murmured. He pulled his hand away and looked down. He knew this was cowardice and just an excuse, even though it was true.

 

“On this, I am not going to tell you what to do,” Leia said. Ben watched her settled back in her chair and pick up her cup. “You already know what to do. Nothing I saw is going to change what you decide to do.”

 

“It might,” Ben muttered.

 

“It hasn’t since you were seven,” she said. She took a sip of her tea. Ben didn’t respond.

 

* * *

 

He knew that he crossed the line when Poe came back from a dangerous mission, down a pilot and worse for wear. Also, nearly a week late. Ben hadn’t been there when Poe arrived. He’d been off trying not to think too hard, or dive into the force to look for Poe’s body and probably expose the whole base in the process.

 

When he heard that Poe was back he rushed to medical. Poe had bacta pads attached to him and was in his shorts surrounded by medical staff and droids. Ben had dived through all of that and planted a kiss on Poe.

 

“Don’t you ever do that again!” Ben demanded. “I thought you were dead! You can’t do that again!” He’d been yelling.

 

But Poe just smiled at him, sad and a little sweet. “I knew you still liked me,” Poe said.

 

“Of course I do,” Ben replied, still shouting.

 

“Does that mean we’re going steady now?” Poe asked. Even though his smile was tired and sad, it was still bigger than it had any right to be. Ben tried to maintain his angry expression. Instead it cracked and he smiled too.

 

“Only for you, Dameron,” he said in a small voice. Poe tugged him in and kissed him back.

 

* * *

 

Their kisses became more common. Poe held his hand a lot. They took walks by the lake. They curled around each other in their bunks. They kissed a whole lot. Ben really liked the kisses. They meant so much to him.

 

That was probably why he never let Poe go beyond that. Poe never pushed. He never demanded to know why Ben never let him take their pants off, even though Ben was always eager to relieve Poe of his shirt and kiss down his chest. The care Poe took with him made Ben ache in too many ways. That was why he never allowed them to have sex. Kissing, being openly in love, that was bad enough. But if Ben allowed them to have sex it would be too much of a betrayal. Ben couldn’t allow that.

 

He did love Poe. But he knew the way things would end, once Poe found out. And every time they kissed, Ben felt so light it was like he could fly without wings.

 

But, as always, all good things come to an end. Especially when those good things are built on lies.

 

* * *

 

 

It was stupidity on Ben’s part. He let himself believe the lies too much. He let himself believe that it was okay that he and Poe were together. When Poe said that his friends were coming back for a while from training, Ben was happy for him. Poe talked about Finn a lot, how the man had saved him, how brave he was to escape the First Order. The “Like you” went unsaid, so Ben could ignore it.

 

And Finn was very brave. He was a brave man who had broken out of the programming of cruelty that had been drummed into his head since childhood. Ben had broken out, but it had been a cage of his own choosing and creation. He’d known better to begin with. And he’d been dragged back by the love of his parents.

 

Finn had none of that. His kindness was inherent. His choices were also his own. But he chose to be brave, to run after a girl he’d only known a short time because he knew it was the right thing to do. He devised a plan to escape using an enemy pilot and his own cunning.

 

Ben was terribly envious of Finn. He was everything, every single thing that Ben had never been. And Ben had been the one with the whole world laid at his feet. He had every chance and every training to be that man. And yet at every turn he’d shunned that life. Ben knew down to his bones that he would never be as good as Finn.

 

He didn’t know why he didn’t try to avoid a meeting. It certainly couldn’t be because he didn’t know. Ben remembered having his mask off for their fight. He remembered cutting Finn’s back. He remembered vividly everything about that day. Ben hadn’t been able to greet Finn or the girl when they arrived. It hadn’t seemed unreasonable to go with Poe later to meet Finn more privately.

 

The only thing that Ben could think was that the guilt had gotten to him.

 

Ben barely got time to look at Finn before Finn’s eyes got large and he ended up spilling everything.

 

“Kylo Ren!” Finn shouted. He’d pulled Poe behind him, protective.

 

“What?” Poe asked. He’d gone stiff, like the name itself would call up the towering figure in the black mask.

 

“That’s Kylo Ren!” Finn proclaimed loudly.

 

Ben held up his hands where Finn could see them. He could see that Finn had a blaster on his hip.

 

“Come on, that isn’t Kylo Ren,” Poe said. “This is Ben Solo.”

 

“They’re the same person,” Finn insisted.

 

“Finn,” Poe said.

 

“I’ll prove it,” Finn said. He pulled out his blaster. Kylo Ren could have stopped him, would have stopped him. Ben Solo stopped the blaster bolt.

 

Blasters had a specific sound they made, when they fired and made contact with something. But it made an odd, straining whine when it was frozen in midair. It was a sound that Ben was very familiar with. He’d done a lot of work to be certain he could freeze blaster fire.

 

The look on Poe’s face told Ben that he also remembered the sound. His eyes got huge and his normally warm skin went pale and sickly.

 

Ben redirected the bolt so it hit the wall. It left a scorch mark, but didn’t go through. Ben checked to be certain. When he looked back he saw that Poe had fled. He was left facing just Finn.

 

“What are you doing here?” Finn demanded.

 

“I came back,” Ben said quietly. “I defected. I couldn’t… I wasn’t doing right.”

 

“Damn straight you weren’t,” Finn snarled.

 

“I came back a few months ago,” Ben said. “Shortly after you left. With a lot of information… My mother told everyone that I’d been captured by the First Order. That’s the official story.”

 

“Yeah, well, it’s a lie,” Finn said. He lowered his blaster. “And you hurt Poe. He’s been talking forever about his boyfriend Ben. How dare you do something like this.” He turned and walked out.

 

Ben didn’t go after him. He couldn’t disagree, after all. Finn was right.

 

* * *

 

Ben didn’t remember the next few days. They blurred together. He vaguely remembered his mother telling him that she’d spoken to Finn, Poe and Rey and explained what happened. He knew she told him that they wouldn’t reveal his secret. He remembered going to try to speak to Poe and being blocked by the Black Squadron.

 

He didn’t think they knew the full truth, but Finn had clearly told them that he’d hurt Poe and that was all they needed. They were very loyal.

 

Ben hadn’t felt so alone when he’d first arrived at the base. At least then he’d been focused on trying to blend in. And people had at least looked at him. They’d been curious about the General’s lost son. But now he was normal. They knew he stuck to himself and left him alone.

 

He hadn’t made friends with anyone but Poe.

 

Ben tried his best not to wallow. He went outside. He did exercises. He practiced the Force, though nothing too big or showy that might tip off his whereabouts to Snoke. He mended things, worked on the X-Wings. His father had raised him elbows first in the Millennium Falcon. He knew how to work on ships. If anything, it was the work that kept him sane.

 

It contributed in some tangible way to the Resistance. No one questioned his skill. No one bothered him or asked why he was there. And occasionally he’d see Rey or Poe. She was every bit as good with mechanics as he was, if not better. And Poe knew how to take care of his machines.

 

If Poe ever caught him looking then he’d leave or move behind something so Ben couldn’t see him. Ben tried not to look too much. He tried not to think about Poe. He wanted to apologize. He tried to approach him a few times, but someone always blocked him.

 

Eventually Ben gave up. Things got busy. There was a big mission coming up and all hands were on deck. Ben almost, almost wished he was flying with them. But he didn’t make any indication of such to anyone. Instead he worked on the machines and made certain they were in perfect working order for the pilots.

 

With send-off day in the morning, Ben went to his room as soon as he finished his work. He knew the pilots had rituals. Ben wasn’t welcome and he didn’t want to get in the way. He tried not to feel too pitiful. It didn’t seem right that he should feel bad for himself.

 

He flopped down on his bed and turned and face the wall. Someone knocked on the door. He assumed it was his mother. “It’s not locked.” He didn’t lock his door. He never wanted his mother to think he was hiding things. He was afraid of what would happen if she stopped believing that he was trying to change.

 

“I got a couple of questions for you,” Finn said.

 

Ben whipped around and sat up. It was only Finn at the door. Ben knew that Finn was leaving for the mission in the morning. He was spearheading the thing. Ben knew the mission was blending Finn’s expertise and Ben’s intel. If it worked it would be a body blow to the First Order.

 

“Shouldn’t you be with the pilots?” Ben asked.

 

“I should, but I have questions first,” Finn said. He shut the door behind him and walked over to the bed. “I’ve spent a lot of time watching for any sign that you were forcing Poe to come back to you.”

 

“I haven’t,” Ben said.

 

“He thought maybe you’d made him like you to begin with,” Finn said.

 

Ben’s heart dropped. He dropped his gaze down to his hands. “I wouldn’t do that. It doesn’t mean anything if they don’t love you back.”

 

“It sounds like you’ve tried that before,” Finn said coldly.

 

“I’ve done a lot of bad things. You know this,” Ben said. “I hurt Poe. I tortured him. I made it worse than it even had to be because I wanted to prove that I didn’t care. But I never, ever made him like me. I tried to avoid him when I first got here.”

 

“Well, you failed on that front,” Finn said sarcastically.

 

“Clearly,” Ben said. He still couldn’t meet Finn’s gaze. “Look, since no one’s going to let me near Poe anyway… I just want to tell him that I’m worry. I know it doesn’t fix anything. He’s way, way too good for me. He always was. I was just desperate to feel like someone cared about me.”

 

“So Poe was just some random guy? You couldn’t have picked someone you didn’t torture?” Finn demanded.

 

“It’s not like that. I was in love with him before I left. I missed him. I tried to put up walls and he broke right through them simply by being him. He means a lot to me. But we both know I’m a weak man. I couldn’t stay away and I was too much of a coward to tell him myself… you were right to act as you did. I should have told him.”

 

“Yes, you should have,” Finn snapped.

 

“Does that answer your questions?” Ben asked, finally looking up.

 

“Enough,” Finn said. He turned and walked out, leaving Ben alone again. Ben watched the door for a while before he turned over and stared at the wall again.

 

* * *

 

Ben kept himself busy. He spent most of his time with his head in machines of some sort. He improved function on a lot of generators. It kept his hands busy. It didn’t do much to stop his swirling thoughts. For one thing, his Uncle returned to continuing giving Rey lessons while Finn was gone.

 

Ben didn’t have to be close to know that his Uncle wasn’t happy to be there, and he wasn’t happy that Finn had left his training to go on this mission. But Ben and his Uncle successfully avoided each other. It was better that way. But it still put Ben on edge. He even started locking his door at night, just so he could sleep.

 

He heard murmurs of some level of success more than a month later. When the teams arrived back, Ben didn’t go to meet them. He went to his room instead, hoping to avoid everyone. Without meaning to, he’d become more withdrawn. He just didn’t talk to anyone who wasn’t his mother, and with his Uncle around he’d stopped going out except to work.

 

He knew it wasn’t healthy. He knew he needed to get back outside and get back to his own training, weak though it may be. It wasn’t good for him to ignore the Force. It wasn’t good for him to ignore everyone around him. Being isolated was how Snoke found him to begin with.

 

But for one more day he could wait. Those who survived should be able to celebrate without him.

 

Ben laid down and closed his eyes. He didn’t know how long he laid there, but he jolted up when he heard a knock. “Come in!” he called, trying to get his heart to settle.

 

He was startled by orange when the door opened. It was a pilot’s jump suit and little orange face peering out of a carrier.

 

“Millicent?” Ben asked.

 

“Yeah, that’s what it says on her collar,” Poe said.

 

Ben’s eyes shot up. It really was Poe standing there holding Hux’s cat in a carrier.

 

“What are you doing here? I thought you should be celebrating,” Ben said.

 

Poe walked over and set the carrier on Ben’s bed. He opened the door and let the cat out. She climbed right into Ben’s lap and started to purr. He brushed her fluffy back, feeling his heart restrict.

 

“I just had someone to drop off,” he said.

 

“How?” Ben asked.

 

“Well, we had Hux in our hands, but a Stormtrooper unit came through and rescued him,” Poe said.

 

“That doesn’t explain the cat,” Ben said.

 

“Oh, well,” Poe said. He rubbed his neck as his cheeks darkened. “I remembered you said you’d worried about her, so I got her about the time we captured the megalomaniac. He got away, but I got the animal. So not a complete win, but he did a lot of damage.”

 

“Yeah,” Ben said. He kept rubbing Millicent’s head and back. She purred happily.

 

“I haven’t seen her warm up to anyone,” Poe said. “She’s tried to bite most of us.”

 

“She’s Hux’s cat,” Ben said. “But she knows me… thank you, for this. I really can’t figure out-”

 

“It’s fine,” Poe said, cutting him off.

 

“Poe,” Ben said, taking the chance. “I’m really sorry about what I did. I’m sorry about all of it. Everything I’ve done since I left, and a lot since I got back. I hurt you so much. And then I didn’t tell you the truth. I apologize. You didn’t deserve any of it.”

 

“No, I didn’t,” Poe said. “You hurt me terribly. You know that.”

“I do,” Ben said.

 

“And I was questioning my own mind for the longest time. I didn’t know if what I was feeling was even real.” He sounded so distressed. Ben hated that.

 

“Finn told me,” Ben said.

 

“I know. Finn’s a real friend like that. He tells me things,” Poe said bitterly. Ben winced.

 

“I wanted to apologize a long time ago,” Ben said.

 

“I know that too,” Poe said. He set the carrier on the ground and sat on the bed. “See, I’m not really here to give you the cat.”

 

“I assumed. You could have handed her off to anyone,” Ben said.

 

“Not just anyone. I was the one least likely to get clawed to death, that’s why she flew with me,” Poe said.

 

“Well, someone. You could have sent her with someone,” Ben said, rolling his eyes.

 

“Yeah, well… the thing is that for the longest time I thought all my feelings, maybe all of my memories of you were things you planted. But the General assured me that wasn’t true and that she could see you hadn’t done anything except the original damage from the information extraction, which was mostly healed by now.”

 

Ben winced. He wanted to apologize again, but he didn’t want to interrupt Poe either.

 

“So I go off on this mission and like normal I find myself thinking about you. And Finn tells me that he talked to you and everything you said and that he at least believed that you thought you were telling the truth… and so I realized, my thinking about you all the time wasn’t a trick and it wasn’t because I was worried you’d done something. It was because I just missed you. And it was worse than the first time you went away because now I know what happened and I knew you were right there and you kept trying to talk to me.”

 

“Poe,” Ben started. But he stopped. He didn’t know what to say.

 

“So I thought… I know that I didn’t like the way we left things. It didn’t feel right. We mean more to each other than to just never talk again.”

 

“I don’t… I don’t understand,” Ben said.

 

“I mean, I think I want to try again,” Poe said in a rush. “I mean, I know you try a lot. You worked really hard when we were together and even more so when we were getting ready to go. The machines you worked on flew like a dream. And when I was looking for you, someone told me if you weren’t working you were in your room. They couldn’t remember the last time you’d even gone to the mess hall. That’s not healthy, Ben. You can’t keep doing that, or it’s going to turn out like last time. I don’t want you to go back again.”

 

Ben felt his stomach drop out. “I don’t want to go back either. But Poe… you don’t have to feel like you have to… sacrifice yourself to a relationship just to keep me from going to the Dark Side again.”

 

“I don’t feel like that, Ben,” Poe said. He seemed so frustrated. “Dammit, Ben. I just want to hold your hand again.”

 

“Oh,” Ben said quietly. He let the silence sit there for a few moments. Poe wasn’t looking at him, eyes on the bedspread. But Ben couldn’t help but look at him. Ben had missed him too. So much.

 

He removed one of his hands from Millicent and laid it over one of Poe’s hands. “I’ve missed that too,” he said quietly. “I’ve missed a lot of things. But especially you. I know you probably don’t trust me right now. But I’m going to try. And I’m going to be honest with you from now on, even if I know you won’t like the answers.”

 

Poe moved their hands so their fingers were laced. It felt so good. Ben hadn’t realized something so simple could feel like everything. How could he have ever thought the Dark Side was worth anything when the Light Side offered moments like this?

 

“That’s all I ask for,” Poe said.

 

“I’ll give everything I have,” Ben promised.

 

“I’m sure you will.” Poe smiled a little. He carefully gave Ben’s hand a squeeze and pulled away. “I think that’s enough for tonight. I’m going to go celebrate.”

 

“I’m going to stay here,” Ben said. “I’m going to go for a work tomorrow morning. Would you like to join me?”

 

“I think I could do that,” Poe said. He stood up. “We’ll talk more then.”

 

Ben smiled. He hugged Millicent close. She just purred more. “I’ll look forward to it.”

 

Poe smiled a little broader. “See you,” he said and walked out.

 

Ben watched the door for a while before he laid back down. He kept the cat hugged to his chest for a while before she wiggled away and went to sniff around his room. Ben watched her go. He felt lighter. Not light like kisses. But light like maybe he could learn how to breathe again. Maybe things would turn out okay, in the end.

 


End file.
